On Saturday, June 30th, I had suffered all night with terrible pain in my pelvic bone. It was enough to make me cry every time I rolled over in bed, got up to walk, every move I made was excruciatingly painful. Labor didn't even cross my mind since the pain wasn't accompanied by contractions. The pain was worse than any other pregnancy pain I had experienced the entire pregnancy, magnified by ten. I told Steve, "There is NO way I can do this another two weeks." (My doctor had planned on inducing me two weeks later)
I called the doctor to see if this was normal or if there was ANYTHING I could do to get out of pain. They ended up telling me to come in to Labor and Delivery since they didn't want me to go to the ER with all the germs. I figured they would just refer me to a chiropractor or something once I got there.
I waited for Steve to get home from work on my exercise ball, sitting on it gave me a tiny bit of relief for some reason. While waiting I noticed I was having some contractions, but nothing painful or consistent so I didn't really think much of it. I have contractions starting at 20 weeks so I tend to ignore them.
We checked into Labor and Delivery and they put me in a room and they decided to monitor my contractions just in case, but I still did not think for a second I was really in labor. While waiting there, and talking with nurses, etc. I did notice they were getting a bit stronger, and closer together, but they were nothing in comparison to the pelvic bone/hip bone pain I was having.
After maybe 20 minutes the nurse decided to check me since I was showing labor symptoms, and I was at 3 cm. I had mentioned I had an ultrasound the day before and the babies were both in a transverse position (side lying) so they were a little extra concerned since if I truly was in labor, they would have to take them out via c-section since babies can't come out naturally while in that position.
After progressing more and having more and more contractions, the on call doctor decided to get the babies out ASAP. It was surreal - I went in thinking I'd be getting a chiropractor referral and ended up having my babies! It was such a blessing that I was already at the hospital when I went into labor.
Before I knew it, they were having me sign papers and wheeling me into the operation room. I was nervous but also really at peace knowing that I had made it this far and the babies would likely have minimal to no issues. I remember being so surprised at how bright the room was, and how many people were in the room. So so different than a regular birth! I got my spinal tap, and it seemed like minutes later I was being cut open (and nope, you really can't feel a thing! Thank. Goodness.) and babies were being pulled out. I never really had a chance to even get nervous or process what was happening because it all happened so quickly. That was probably a good thing!
I was able to turn my head and see them checking out the babies, each baby had a team of nurses. I was waiting for them to bring them over to me, but they only brought Baby B, Mila. I was so nervous for Meg and knew something wasn't right. I kept asking Steve and he said, "Oh they're just checking her out, she's fine." I found out later he was just saying whatever to keep me calm! They brought Mila over and I got to hold her on my chest for a few moments. It was strange crying happy tears to have her in my arms but at the same time tears of concern for Meg. I had made it just a day shy of 36 weeks, certainly she wouldn't need the NICU or anything. Or so I thought.
They eventually said they were going to take her to the NICU to monitor her breathing, everyone seemed nonchalant so I wasn't super worried at that point. I knew they were born a hair before the "safe zone" so I knew this was a possibility to have to be monitored for a bit. They wheeled me into recovery and I got to nurse Mila. She latched right on - I was so thankful she was able to nurse right away even being born 4 weeks early. After about an hour of bonding with Mila, I was wheeled to the NICU since I hadn't gotten to really see Meg yet.
Ouch. This memory is hard to even type out and I'm in tears as I try to remember the feelings I had in that moment. But I know I'll want to remember, and I know I'll want her to know this part of her story. At this point she didn't have a ton of cords, I believe she only had a nasal cannula. The nurses tried to explain why she needed to stay there but of course that's all a blur now. All I heard was "It may be a few hours or a couple days until she can be with you, she just needs a little more time to grow and learn to breathe." All the nurses seemed upbeat and positive, but of course I lost it the second I saw her. She was supposed to be coming upstairs to be with me in postpartum, not in this room. She needed her mom. She needed my milk. We needed to bond! And most of all, she needed her twin sister. The sweet, sweet nurse that was taking care of her let me hold her for a few minutes, I know she wasn't supposed to, but I could not have been more grateful. It was then I began to learn that NICU nurses are some of the most special, amazing people I have ever met. After getting to hold her a few minutes, they wheeled me up to post partum with Mila.
It's a strange feeling bonding with one twin, while you long for the other one. I tried to just enjoy Mila, she was so perfect and sweet. But I have to admit the entire time Meg was in the NICU I had the hardest time fully getting to enjoy her - I was so torn and upset that her sister wasn't with us. It's such a split feeling. I'm a cryer, no doubt, I cry in cheesy comedies during the 10 second emotional part. But I have never cried more tears than I did the week Meg was away from me. I'm pretty sure I've never said more prayers either.
That night I got to visit Meg. Steve had gotten to see her a couple times, but I was dying to see her. I had to leave Mila with a nurse upstairs since babies in postpartum aren't allowed in the NICU, and Steve wheeled me down to her room. What I saw when I went into the room was probably THE most heartbreaking sight I have ever seen. My tiny 4 lb 12 oz baby girl in an incubator, with an IV in her impossibly thin arm, tubes going in her nose, tape all over her precious face, desperately trying to suck on her pacifier for comfort. The only thing I could do was stick my hand in the hole in the incubator and hold her little hand, and put in her pacifier whenever it fell out. That was the extent of the nurturing I was able to give my brand new little baby, and it crushed me. Heartbroken was an understatement. We couldn't stay long because I had to feed Mila, and leaving Meg's room in the NICU was physically painful for me. I can honestly say I never understood what it meant to "love someone so much it hurts" until that moment.
The next few days were spent recovering from my C-section, bonding with Mila, and frequent visits and calls to the NICU. I felt like I called too much but the nurses never once made me feel like I was being a bother. Thankfully it didnt take her long to wean from her IV and get the tubes out of her nose. (I don't remember the technical term for those tubes!) She was taking bottles well which was a great sign. I would try to hand express and pump several times a day and sent down whatever pathetic drops of milk I could so her nurses could feed her them. I felt like it was the one thing I could do to connect us somehow. I can't express how much it hurt having her away from me. Physically and emotionally. I needed her and I knew she needed me. Every time I asked how much longer she would be in the NICU I got the same answer, it was up to her. Probably just another day or so. She had to be off all oxygen and have no desats for 48 hours. We got close a couple times, but then she always had to go back to her nasal cannula. It was so emotional every time - one step forward, two steps back.
The day before we left the hospital we had Steve's parents bring our big girls to the hospital to meet Mila and Meg. (They had to meet each baby separately since Mila wasn't allowed in the NICU). We've never brought siblings to the hospital before and usually just wait until we go home for them to meet, but I'm so glad we did this time. They adored both babies and sang them songs, got to hold them, and it was just such a sweet day all around. I felt like the luckiest mom in the world, five girls of my own!
We maxed out our stay in the hospital, four nights and five days. I kept thinking if we stayed just one more day we would get to go home with both our girls, but no such luck. It was so hard to leave Meg and go home, but I had a sweet tender mercy happen a couple hours before we left that eased the pain of leaving a tiny bit. I got to nurse Meg for the first time. I got to feel like her mom - nurturing her the best way I knew how for the very first time. I got to cry HAPPY tears in that room for the first time. Also, right after being discharged, we got to finally have Meg and Mila meet for the first time. Meg kept trying to latch onto Mila's face and we laughed and laughed. I also got to hold them together at the same time - a moment I dreamed of my entire pregnancy. These moments made going home a little easier, knowing what joy was soon to come with both of them together.
We came home on the 4th of July, excited to have baby Mila home. As much as I missed Meg I knew Mila was probably loving all this one on one time with mom! She had to share a tight space with her sis for 8.5 months, so I'm hoping she enjoyed the week getting to be the "only child". We had her home two nights before having Meg join us, and honestly, those two nights were way harder than the first few nights of both girls being home. I truly believe they needed and missed each other. They had been spooning for 8.5 months and then separated cold turkey - of course they missed each other!
Getting the call from the neonatologist Friday morning letting us know Meg was clear to come home was such a blissful moment! The past six days had felt like six years and you could not get me to that hospital fast enough. We just had to watch a quick CPR movie, sign some papers, and little Meggie (as Ella calls her) was ours for keeps! I climbed in the middle back seat of Steve's truck (not the smartest idea with my incision, but totally worth it) and held my girls hands as we drove home.
Since then, life has honestly been a dream. It took us a few nights to figure out a good "system" for feedings and such, but it truly has been so wonderful having our whole family under the same roof. Everyone is healthy, feeding and sleeping great, and I've never felt more happy. I know I still have that new mom adrenaline and "love high" that you get after having new babies - but I'm enjoying every dang second of my very last baby stage. The milk all over me and the babies, the endless snuggles, the sweet newborn smells and noises, I love it all so much. This is my very last time and I don't plan on taking a single second for granted.
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