To be honest, when I went in for our first ultrasound I thought for sure the doctor was going to tell me there was no heartbeat, and I would likely miscarry. I had cramping at the beginning of the pregnancy, and I just felt.. different. I prepared myself for the worst, but nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for what I was about to find out.
The day I found out there was two was hands down the most shocking, surreal day of my life. I immediately saw the two black gestational sacs on the ultrasound. This wasn't my first rodeo - there is usually only one of those. I asked the doctor, "Is it twins?!" And he immediately said, "Yes it is." Sure enough, he pointed out two heartbeats flickering away.
I wish I could tell you I was elated and grateful in that moment. I hated myself for not feeling that way. I have friends that have been trying to conceive for years that would kill for this moment, and here I was - crying, and they weren't exactly happy tears. I looked at Steve, bless his heart. His eyes were wide, but there was a calmness about him that has still never gone away. He has been my rock through this whole experience and I'll forever be grateful.
I don't think I really heard a word the doctor said the rest of the appointment - something about twins being high risk maybe? Something about seeing me again in four weeks to check on things? I sat there shaking, and as soon as the doctor left the room I fell into Steve's arms, sobbing. "There are so many complications with twins!" "They will be born early and have heart problems and surgeries!" "I won't be able to spend time with our other girls anymore!" Every single negative thing that could possibly happen with twins entered my mind.
Steve held me and told me how big of a blessing this is, and that everything was going to be fine. He told me these babies were sent to US because we CAN handle this, and we are lucky.
LUCKY. It took a while for me to feel this way. You see, I've NEVER been a mom that wanted twins. I'm pretty sure anytime I've ever heard of anyone getting pregnant with twins I've thought, "Oh bless their heart. I'm so glad it's not me!" Ha! This was going to be our fourth and last, final baby. It was going to be our first Summer baby, and everything was going to be perfect. I have babies down to an art by now. They come easy to me, and this was going to be no different.
The first couple days you would have thought I was just given some terrible DIAGNOSIS, instead of a beautiful gift of two lives. I sobbed. I called my mom several times and reached out to a friend that had twins. My poor husband dealt with a basket case of a wife. I kept lying to the kids that these are "happy tears!" I'm truly ashamed to admit how upset I was over such a blessing, but I promise I did get better!
We decided to tell the girls shortly after finding out our news. I'm so glad we did - they were overjoyed, and loved the idea of TWO babies to get to help mom out with. I needed to see their excitement. They believe this is the best thing that has ever happened, and you know what? I know deep inside that it IS. At first the thought of twins with THREE OTHER KIDS was so overwhelming to me, but after really thinking about it, I'm not so sure I'd be able to handle having twins WITHOUT three extra mamas. My girls are the best, best helpers. They will be feeding bottles, fetching diapers, and entertaining those babies and I truly don't think I could do this without them.
Looking back, there are so many things that have fallen into place that will make having twins be a little more doable. We are immeasurably blessed with so much support of local family and friends. My mom is retiring this year and will be able to help me full time. (HALLELUJAH) Steve's job couldn't be more flexible - a blessing with any number of kids, but will sure help with twins especially dropping off/picking up the girls from school, etc. Our house can accommodate lots of kiddos and MAN am I glad we ended up choosing the model with 5 bathrooms. I mean, FIVE GIRLS! Those extra bathrooms are gonna come in handy.
Will it be absolutely crazy? YES. But I truly believe sometimes our biggest blessings in life can simultaneously be trials. I think about all the sweet things I love about having new babies, and getting to experience it all x 2? Nothing short of a miracle. I've said countless prayers the past month and have felt such a peace about the whole situation. I feel now these babies are meant for us. US. We are supposed to have two more. This was God's plan all along, and although it was NOT ours, it is now. And we are so, so blessed.
This was long. But THANK YOU. Thanks for your congratulations, words of support, encouragement, and love. You don't know how much I need it! Thanks for watching our journey - I know some of you have been around since Aubrey was a baby, which is pretty incredible to me. If only I could see the look on my 21 year old face if I could tell myself back then I'd be having four more beautiful little girls someday!
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