birthday eve.

I always rock, cuddle & have a good cry on the eve of my girls' birthdays.  I feel like I need to get out the inevitable sadness that comes along with your babies growing up before their actual birthdays, so I can get it over with & be happy & excited for them the next day.  I held Aubrey and stroked her hair tonight & told her all about the day she was born.  We both shed a few tears (she is an emotional one like her mama), I tucked her into bed, & gave one last kiss to my four year old.  I stood there for a second watching her drift off, knowing that in the morning she would wake up - a bright and beaming five year old.


As the years go by, the memories of her as a baby fade more and more.  There are, however, a few instances when she was a baby that are etched so clearly into my mind that I can still replay them.  I'm so thankful for that!

I remember when she was just a couple weeks old & I was on the (what seemed like) 100th painful feeding of the night.  I was exhausted, weepy, & just in the trenches of new motherhood.  I held her in her tan rocking chair, & can so clearly remember her looking up at me, straight in the eye & we just stared at each other for a minute.  I remember taking a mental picture &  feeling more in love than I ever thought was humanly possible in that moment.  It was almost as if her sweet, tiny innocent self was saying, "It's ok, mama.  You're gonna miss this one day.  Just watch."

And I do.  Oh how I miss baby Aubrey!  But at the same time, I don't.

While I miss running my fingers through that signature fluffy hair of hers, I love taking her "Elsa braid" hair requests now even more.

  And while I miss tickling her tiny baby tummy & getting THE best belly laughs ever out of her, I love her snort-laugh that she does now when something is REALLY really funny even more.

And even though I dearly miss her sweet little baby coos - I love her words that she innocently pronounces now even more. (She still says ridic-lee-uss for ridiculous & melo-nade for lemonade. Oh - and busy instead of dizzy. :) )

As much as I loved all that baby goodness of hers - I love her even more now.

Happy Birthday (tomorrow), my sweet Aubrey girl.